U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITEDSTATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me.However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the ArmedServices, although at one point we were under the Department of HomelandSecurity. I understand that atleast twice a day, someone will refer to me amember of the Air Force or Navy, and when I correct them, they willquestion my military status. I will work on boats the size of kayaks andsmall yachts during the worst of natures storms, and recieve no thanks ornotice form the public. I will fly in helos into the eye of the storm torescue people dumber then rocks, and then be heckled by the same peoplewhen I bust them for transporting drugs two months later.! I will preventthousands of gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economywhen I won't allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean. I will be thered-headed step child to all of the other services, although I know I gotthe better deal. All of my equipment will be discarded Navy property. Iwill use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take college classes, andperfect my web surfing abilities, then complain that I work too much. Iwill perfect avoiding PT at all costs, and do my best to attend trainingthat will give me a great competitive edge in the career field of mychoice, making retention efforts of the Coast Guard pointless. I will comein contact with so many pollutants during my tenure, I will glow in thedark for the rest of my natural life and refer to myself as "salty" becauseof it. I will do my best to work 8 to 3, with a two hour lunch, on normaldays, and have my pager and cell phone surgically attached, SO HELP ME GOD.
US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITEDSTATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because theMarines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. Iswear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of realexercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form ofexercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first namebecause I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a betterquality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure tomake them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I willbe a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting,civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I amsuperior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife beforestabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, andwill go home early every day. So Help Me God!"
US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocrelife to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on theASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, andthe Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage everyday and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how touse blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even whenI have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killingmachine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that theonly action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. Iacknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, andvow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. Aftercompletion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend adifferent Army school every other month and return knowing less than I didwhen I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around likeI am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stayhome because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking AirForce guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take herback. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while gettingabsolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to"COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever thatwill help me get a job up! on separation, and will end up workingconstruction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyoneabout the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use itbecause I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"
US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of mylife to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marineswithout actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt likethe Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my namestenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that Iwill be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer,! and for Nazi WaffenSS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than therest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead,cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor,wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will takegreat pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, andeverything else for that matter, are completely different from the otherservices and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whateverthat is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, inwhich case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in atyphoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted andsubsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, onceselected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"
US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize),swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fixbayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blowup....ugh...Air Forcewomen....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yesSIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....OoorahGunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"
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